Grace in Imperfection

Perfection. That thing everyone knows is unattainable, yet the bar we all want to reach. In sports we practice for hours to make our motions flawless; in academics we aim for that 4.0. In the church we are called to be Christ-like. We are rewarded for our near-perfect achievements and cover up the things that we are ashamed of. No wonder authenticity amongst communities is so hard to find.

I have always loved being involved in a variety of activities, yet I have always felt inadequate at most of them. I tried to be a leader, but I never fully believed I was one. I tried to be in command, but couldn’t. I tried to be strong, but I never felt I was. I was always striving, but only achieved unrest and defeat.

Slowly I came to the realization that the deepest parts of my heart will always be shameful. That will never change. However, how I look at it can. Life is more than becoming blameless; it is instead realizing that we need God everyday. I realized that to truly appreciate the grace of God, I needed to embrace my imperfections. My imperfections should stand not as a hindrance, but instead as a symbol of the hope I daily find in the cross.

For if I naturally felt secure, brave, and strong; if I naturally trusted, was kind, perfect, and loving would there be a need for God? If I felt all of those things naturally, not only would I be deeply out of place with reality, but I would stop seeking God’s grace daily.

Thank you God that your grace is sufficient for me.

“My power is made perfect in weakness” -2 Corinthians 12:9

To Risk

What does it mean to truly live?
           Is it to love?
           Or to hope?
I would venture to say that to truly live is to Risk it all
           Risk loving
           Risk losing
           Risk hoping
           Risk a broken heart
For if we never Risk anything we will never gain anything

For a real life is laughed heartily
                   and cried darkly
a real life is a life of hope
                   and of deep hurt    
a real life is lived with arms extended
                   and hearts wide open

For to really live is to Risk falling into the arms of the one that holds it all and to Risk the only thing worth gaining: a life.
-Matthew 10:39-

Life Through Faith Community

This semester I am taking a class called “Christian Formation and Culture” where we are studying the roots of Christian formation. At the beginning of the class, my professor asked all of us where we have been formed spiritually over the years. As you would expect we wrote down youth group, mission trips, church, sermons, school, etc. She proceeded to ask how many of us wrote own the Bible as an avenue for our spiritual formation. None of us raised our hands. She then went on to say that it seems most of our spiritual formation has happened through other people. I remember feeling dismayed from this observation. What had happened to God revealing himself? What had happened to the burning bush and direct encounter with God? Slowly one girl from the back of the class raised her hand and asked the question that was on everyone’s mind, “Does that mean we’re all brainwashed?” A nervous laughter filled the room as a smile spread across my professor’s face. Something told me that is exactly what we would be exploring in this class.

            I grew up believing that God is deeply personal; someone to know me, love me, and grow with. I had always experienced God in a very direct way. Communication through prayer was between God and me, worship was sung directly to God, and life wisdom was presented from God. I believed that all peace and satisfaction for the day could be reached through my quiet time with God. Of course I loved my friends and family, but I don’t think I realized how essential they really were. When people came into my life and I experienced a “social high” I thanked God, and when people hurt me it was okay because I had God. I thought of people simply as blessings, not necessities. I don’t think I realized how wrong I was until this semester.

            I went into this school year so excited and on fire for God. I had just experienced a wonderful summer of deep community with people I loved at camp. As the year progressed I slipped into this very solitary existence with God. ‘As long as I do my quiet times, I’m good,’ I remember thinking. I had friends, I had God, what more could I need? Slowly, however, I started to slip into this deep hole of depression. I didn’t understand. What was I doing wrong? Why wasn’t I happy? Slowly God started to slip from view and I couldn’t hear his voice as clearly as I once could. But I needed to stay strong. I needed to be that person that people could rely on. I began to realize I couldn’t be that person, or rather I didn’t want to be. Either people would come to me and I wouldn’t want to listen, or the people I cared most about wouldn’t let me. I didn’t understand what was missing. Little did I know God was preparing my heart for one of the most important lessons I would ever learn.

            I came back second semester feeling a little better, but very quickly became drained. I started taking this class on Christian formation and was intrigued by our discussions and debates. We started talking about tri-polar spirituality: how we need God, the community of believers, and ourselves for transformation to happen. The professor even presented the idea that sometimes God chooses to be silent and rather speaks through the people in our lives. Tears filled my eyes as I realized that I was experiencing the silence of God.

            One Saturday I woke up and started to do my homework. I couldn’t finish because I was overtaken by a wave of depression. I remember holding my head asking God why I couldn't hear His voice? Why did I feel alone? About an hour later I got a text from one of my friends asking me to go take a walk. I put on my best game face, wiped the tears from my eyes, and met her for a walk. I tried to engage in the most upbeat conversation that I could muster feeling the way I did. At the end of the walk we went to get dinner and there she asked me what was wrong. Even though I promised myself I wouldn’t, I proceeded to tell her. I hadn’t been hearing the voice of God like I once had. I didn’t understand why. I wanted to know that God was there but couldn’t. She then pulled something up on her phone for me to read. It talked about how sometimes God withholds His voice from us because he is training us to love Him beyond the feeling. “I am silent in My love because I love beyond the power of words to express, or of human hearts to understand, and also for your sakes that you may learn to love and trust Me in Spirit-taught, spontaneous response to My love, without the spur of anything outward to call it forth” (Streams in the Desert, Febuary 9^th). This brought tears to my eyes, but I don’t think I realized the extent of this encounter until weeks after. From this I learned that God sometimes speaks through people and we need community in order to survive.

            So many of us are looking for this apophatic, direct encounter with God. However, sometimes God speaks through the whisper described in 1 Kings 19:12. Perhaps the mystery of His silence rests in the people He puts into our lives. In fact, in my own life, the times I have been the most happy are the times I have been engaged in a deep community of faith, such as camp, church, or school. That is the key to joy. That is the key to transformation. That is the key for life. Life is found when we find the door to God’s intended community.

Everyone's Mystery

Everyone’s Mystery

Everyone’s grasping and gripping,

Running and slipping,

To find this thing everyone’s missing.

Some give up, some slip up

While some just breakup.

I just need something substantial,

Something more than essential,

So come on, let’s reach our potential.

Some declare, some prepare

While we’re paralyzed with despair.

It’s rising up all around,

Rising from the great unbound,

Together let’s catch it on the rebound.

Some feel, some reel

While some just try to heal.

Our heads are filled,

Our hearts far from fulfilled,

While our senses are thrilled.

Some cry, some try

While we just sit and comply.

So please, let’s try to rebuild

This thing we all spilled,

For it will never be killed.

We know it’s alive,

So as long as we survive,

let’s try to revive

This thing called love.

What is love?

What is love? Love is such a complex thing that our world has attempted to make so trivial. How can we both love a cheeseburger, but then turn around in the same conversation and say that we love our boyfriend? “Love at first sight” has been a cliché many people have used throughout history, but how can one possibly know love when they fail to hear the heart of the other person? Our culture has now made our lustful passions toward each other seem like love, and even worse, people have now turned sex, something that symbolizes the greatest form of love, into something that people do “just for fun.” So again I ask, what is love?

“Love makes up for all offenses”—Proverbs 10:12
“Love your neighbor as yourself”—Galatians 5:14
“Love your enemies”—Luke 6:27
“There is no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend”—John 15:13
“If I didn’t love others, I would be nothing”—1 Corinthians 13:2
“We prove ourselves by our sincere love”—2 Corinthians 6:6
“For love comes from God”—1 John 4:7
“God is love”—1 John 4:16
“Love does no wrong”—Romans 13:10
“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.”—1 Corinthians 13:7
“Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love”—1 Corinthians 13:13
“Love will last forever”—1Corinthians 13:8
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.”—1 Corinthians 13:4-6

Love is one of the most common themes of the Bible, and is one that is continually referred back to. In fact, the word ‘love’ is mentioned 686 times throughout the Bible.

So now, can we really call it love if our love doesn’t outline everything in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6? If two people get divorced did they ever really love each other, for “love lasts forever” (1 Corinthians 13:8)? And what about when people say “my love for them just faded”? How is that possible when love lasts forever? Is love a feeling or action? Is there someone out there for everyone? Also, if “God is love” (1 John 4:16) then can two people really love each other if they don’t have God at the center? Can love be unrequited or one sided? And how can one love their enemies to the same extent as one loves their future husband? These are all essential fundamentals to understanding this thing called ‘love’.

I’m not going to pretend to know all the answers to this universal question, nor do I believe that I will ever understand this concept fully, however I do believe that God created love as one of the most powerful things that we have in this life and until we fully understand it we cannot experience it to its full extent. So just as 1 Corinthians 14:1 says, “Let love be your highest goal!”

The English translation of the Bible is very different than the original Hebrew language that the Bible was initially written in. The word ‘love’ in the English translation serves to constitute and combine three different words in the Hebrew language.

· ‘Raya’ means friend or companion
· ‘Ahavah’ is to have a deep longing for another and to desire to be with someone so much that the heart aches; love of the will; commitment
· ‘Dode’ is the sexual element to a relationship

So why do so many of us feel so empty in our relationships? Well, maybe it’s because we are treating love only as a single, independent element. Real love, love from God, wasn’t meant to just consist of ‘raya’, ‘ahavah’, or ‘dode’ independently, they were meant to be joined together to form this powerful thing. That’s why so many of us are left empty and brokenhearted from relationships. We are treating our love independently as either ‘raya’, ‘ahavah’, or ‘dode’ and therefore are refusing to kindle the three together. When two people combine a friendship with a sexual relationship but refuse to commit, they have ‘raya’ and ‘dode’ without the ‘ahavah’. Or when two people in a marriage relationship have both ‘raya’ and ‘ahavah’ but no ‘dode’, their relationship becomes dry. It is the marrying of the three words and actions that creates the most powerful form of love between a man and a woman.

But please note, there are different types of love. I believe that one can still love someone without having all three of the Hebrew terms, but I don’t believe that one can fully experience the power of love without all three. God intended different relationships for different types of love. For example, he calls us to love our enemies, but that obviously is not going to even compare to the love that one has with their best friend. Additionally, the love that one has for a friend is not going to compare to the love between a husband and wife.

So therefore, what is love? Love is a deeply passionate feeling backed up by the action of commitment. It’s about making the decision to care for a person unconditionally no matter what they do or say. Love is a connection of spirits in that you feel the other person’s pain. It’s about being there for them through thick and thin. It’s about aching for their presence in your life. And it’s about committing your heart to them.

Love is a precious thing, and truly a gift from God. If “God is love” then God’s love is the truest and purest form of love, and something that we as people should continually be striving toward. Love isn’t about being all the things outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6, but it’s about consciously striving toward those things. It isn’t about being perfect or having it all together, but it’s about being vulnerable in the face of love. Love isn’t about seeing a person for the first time and being drawn to them; it’s about seeing their true heart and loving it. Love isn’t about finding yourself or looking to gain something, it’s about completely humbling yourself, and giving something more than you have. It’s about offering, smiling, experiencing, crying, moving, caring, and giving. No natural disaster, no army, no dictator, no enemy, and no demon can ever destroy love, for love is something that will last forever and something that will never die. It is the greatest gift ever given, so please, I beg of you, use it wisely.

Attacks on the Soul

The longer I live, the more I realize the intense attack being waged on the feminine soul. We are constantly being told to be this way and to look that way, and we soon begin to drown in the expectations of others. We soon begin to loose who we are and who God created us to be because we are constantly trying to form ourselves into the person we think everyone else wants us to be. Today, so many expectations and standards are expected of women, such as the necessity to be beautiful. Beauty is something that so many women are continuously grasping at. Elderly women try to look as young as they can, beautiful women get their face remolded, and young women try to modify their bodies to be able to fit into size 2 jeans. We are all trying to find and hold onto this thing called beauty, something that has been defined and standardized completely by the media. Women are constantly being told that they aren't pretty enough, sexy enough, or thin enough, but the thing is we can never meet this idealized standard that digital computers have set through the pages of magazines. Soon these messages being fed to us start to become reality, and shortly after we begin to believe them as truth. When we cannot meet these standards we all have a sinking feeling that we have failed as women.

Can't you see the vicious cycle we have placed ourselves in? It's a hard road we walk and one that will guarantee us nothing but heartache, tears, and pain. But isn't this exactly what Satan wants? Think about it- the best way to take out a valiant knight in a great battle is to cripple him at the knees, make him shake with nerves, and force him to believe that he isn't good enough to fight. Why would Satan need to do any more work if he could just make us believe we are failures? There would be no work to be done because our own fear and self doubt would cause our demise. But here's the truth- you ARE valuable. You have purpose and destiny and a life full of promise. Now this is the truth. There are no substance to those lies. What is truth if it does not breathe life? The truth is that you are beautiful and lovely, wonderful, worthwhile, and irreplaceable. You are strong, and independent, and completely captivating, for God wouldn't have created you any other way. Just think about it- why would Satan even try to take you out in the first place if you had nothing to offer? If you posed no threat to him, why would he even attempt to cripple you? Satan poses this attack against women because WE have something to offer. We are valiant knights for God. We can fight and Satan knows this. Satan does everything in his power to cripple us with his lies because if he didn't we would do crazy amazing things against him. But the fact is, lies are just lies, and lies only hold power when we chose to believe them.

Wounds Cut Deep

We all have wounds; some are little scrapes and bruises and some are embedded deep within our souls. We, as people, cannot avoid the hurt, but we can choose how to deal with it. As I look around the classroom at school I can see pain in so many people's eyes. Some mask it with a grin, others cover it up with a list of things they have to do, and some just give up all together. We are in a world full of hurting people; hurting people with hidden pasts.
Some wounds are so painful that we try to cover them up quickly and as painlessly as possible. We wipe the dust off our hands, the tears off our face, and place a little silly bandaid on with the cartoon smiley faces. We try to continue through life never giving the wound the attention it needs. We walk through life with that little piece of tape over that gaping wound without ever realizing that one of the most important parts of the healing process is oxygen. Wounds need oxygen to heal, or the wound will become pruny and old. Wounds need to be exposed every once in a while if we ever want them to fully heal.
I don't know what pain you have been enduring lately: a death of a family member, a harshly spoken word, or a feeling of loneliness, but remember that we can't keep those cartoon faces on our wounds forever, we need to expose them. God's redemptive healing power works best when we are exposed and vulnerable. The fact is, God can see past our silly cartoon bandaids to the real pain. He can see the baggage we carry around and he can see the deep cuts to our heart.
That's one of the most amazing parts about this relationship with God. We don't have to come to him as something we're not. We can come ugly, bruised, and beaten up. We don't have to be strong because he is our strength, we don't need to be perfect because he is, we don't need to be everything because he thinks that each of us is enough. We don't need to be because he is. He is God and we are not. He sees our hearts and he sees our pain.
I don't know what you have been covering up lately, but whatever it is remember- we can't hide under the cartoon bandaid forever, we need to rip it off and expose ourselves, because true healing, healing from God, doesn't come without a little oxygen.